Yesterday, I was standing at the counter making my morning tea.  My new morning favorite is “Morning Mojo” from my tea spot called Unwind Tea & Coffee. I was going through the ritual of heating my water and putting my loose leaf tea into this fancy contraption (I’m sure it has a name) that separates the leaves, steeps and then flows into my morning mug.  I let my mind wander a bit and felt something start to stir inside of me; I felt happy. For me it was a “I’m at peace type of happy”.

As quickly as that emotion and light surfaced, the darkness grabbed it back.  The immediate afterthought appeared to remind me that we can’t stand happy people.

Can’t stand and hate are probably too harsh, but I definitely remember a feeling of irritation with other people’s joy.  I know you’re judging, but it’s still my story. I’ve turned into happy people and sometimes I feel guilty about that. As I’ve grown in my happy, I’ll admit that I wanted to be accepted, so I tried to taper it. It just really unsettled me to see mixed reactions to my joy. It shows up as that subtle “let’s change the subject” to something less happy, or the more obvious, I’ll just avoid you during this time.

I realize now that I have become the light that I’d sworn to never become. I’m a few years removed from this time, so the days are all jumbled together. Though I still remember the feeling of being in my room behind a locked door.  What waited for me outside the safety of my bedroom, was loud and angry and relentless in its pursuit of making me feel unworthy of being a Mom, being a daughter, being a contributor, being me. Some of it was very real and dysfunctional and a lot of it was directly related to the healing journey that I had yet to go through.

So the dark place for me isn’t just a feeling or an emotion, it is actually a place of safety.

Somewhere deep inside of me, I started to be frustrated by happy people in my life. At the time I didn’t see them as lights or inspiration. I could only feel the pain of my isolation.  I think it was then that I swore to never be so happy, that I was immune to someone else’s pain.  Just yesterday, I shared with someone that I spent about fifteen years being sad.  I know what it is like to go to bed sad and wake up sad for days at a time.  All that is happening right now with COVID-19, deeply unsettles me and I’ve reacted, mostly to the anxiety of those around me.  I just have no more days to devote to sadness.

I’ll give a you a few moments here and there, but you cannot have 24 whole hours!

I’ll admit, I sometimes forget that my journey gave me tools; my faith, seeking professional help when I need it, self-care, and surrounding myself with as much light as possible. Someone kept shining their light for me. I couldn’t stand it at times. I tried to hide from it. But yet, there it was, shining all bright and blinking at times. I’m showing up today with tears, not out of sadness, but because I feel free.

If you’re in the darkness, look for the lights. If you’re the light, turn it up, people are depending on you.

For the next two weeks, join us on our social channels to continue this discussion. I’ll be highlighting the “happy people” that are doing what they do best. If you know someone that we should shine our spotlight on, please contact us at [email protected].